The Spell of LOVE

She was a strong independent woman. Successful at work, loved by her friends, close to her family! She had a busy schedule, but not too stressful... She often planned outings with her friends, fun outings, fun nights, fun activities... She would visit her family often, and keep that lovely strong bond with her parents and siblings... At work, with her friends, wherever she is present, her smiles are contagious, like a positive spell that captivates anyone who witnesses her beauty... She was very well respected, adored by everyone who knew her, up close or from a distance... On top, she is a caring and loving single mother... From the look of it, you would say, she had it all, she is in a happy place...

He was a social butterfly, always out with friends, always making plans, activities, outings, hangouts, anything to bond with people... He loved his work, and was loved by his colleagues as well... Professionally he was good at what he did, highly recognized by his peers and superiors... He was the shrink of his team, with colleagues seeking him for advice, for support, venting out their issues and problems, spelling out all their daily stress... He was a good listener and a good advice giver... He was also a Joker and a Flirt, in the good sense! On top, he was a caring and loving single father... From a distance, you would think, this guy has it all worked out, he is having the time of his life...

Her crossed path with Him... Unplanned, unexpected, yet, Cupid, it seems, had his mind made up... She and Him were suddenly talking, texting, hanging out, bonding, and getting closer and closer to each other...

Her smiles became more contagious, her happiness barometer was at all times high...

His compassion for his friends and colleagues became more controlled, with boundaries...

She kept doing all she used to do before meeting him, and those around her, who thought she had it all before, now witness a new level of having it all...

He kept doing most of what he used to do before meeting her, and those around him, who thought he got it all worked out before, now admire this improved (controlled) version of him...

But she is human...

And he is human...

And humans make mistakes...

It is bound to happen, to her, to him, or both...

Fast forward, and a mistake happened!

The mistake caused a fight, an argument, a misunderstanding, confusion, shock, hurt, and a breakup...

Her smiles became less contagious, her happiness level faded, a bit...

His compassion for his friends and colleagues became a bit meh, weaker, and shallower...

She kept doing all she used to do before meeting him, and those around her, who thought she had it all before, now noticed something was off, something was wrong, the vibe was off...

He kept doing most of what he used to do before meeting her, and those around him, who thought he got it all worked out before, now they notice he was engaging less, talking less, doing less...

She did not talk to him, she had strict rules, standards, and beliefs, even if she wanted to, even if she had that burning urge, she just didn't talk to him...

He did not talk to her, but he was thinking of her, of what action to take, without hurting her, he was confused, he was hurting, but he just didn't know how to talk to her...

She was telling anyone who wondered: Anything wrong? She simply replied: All is good...

He was telling anyone who wondered: Anything wrong? He simply replied: All ok...

She was going about her normal day at work, attending meetings, working on her tasks, doing her thing...

He was listening to a romantic playlist while working... A song came up, his meh face suddenly put on a smile, he paused what he was working on, he rewinded the song, he focused on the lyrics, he smiled, smiled more, then a happy tear followed, more happy tears, now mixing with a smile, with images of her smile in his head... It was a song that expressed what he felt, what he wanted to say, what he wanted to do... Could it be?

He sent the song to her, hopeful, excited, anxious, and waited...

She saw the message, she paused what she was working on, she opened the song, focusing on the lyrics, she smiled, smiled more, then a happy tear followed, more happy tears, now mixing with a smile, with images of him in her head... It was a song that touched something deep inside of her and ignited her emotions, those she kept at bay... Could it be?

He was waiting, anxiously, then he called her, with a big hopeful and loving smile on his face...

She answered, anxiously, with a joyful and lovely smile on her face...

They talked, for hours, they reconciled, they rekindled, her and him, melting in emotions, longing for their next encounter, with contagious smiles all around...

This, my friends, is the SPELL OF LOVE...

I leave you with this quote from my current lovely K-Drama show:

"It’s nice to be single. It’s comfortable. You don’t need to worry about anyone. But the thing is, the joy of being single can just never compare to the joy of falling in love!"

Emotions, Distance, and Silence

 

Step back, keep a distance, stay far away...

But what is wrong with being close?! I care, and my feelings are genuine, and I love the close connection, the rekindling of emotions that are genuine and deep...

So what?! It is not about you only... What about the other person, do you know what this means to them? Do you know how they feel, how they will react, what they will expect?

I think so... I can feel the warmth, the excitement, the joy with every conversation, with every message, with every encounter... It is pure and genuine, it is undeniable...

Maybe now, at the moment, it brings momentary happiness, it is genuine, I agree... But what next? What is your plan, next steps, long term??

Well, why do I need a plan? Can't we just enjoy the moments and worry about the future later? Why sacrifice those amazing moments and spend the present thinking about the future?!

Because you are not in your 20s or 30s anymore... You have matured, you have responsibilities, you have dependents, you have a life to manage... Besides, what about them? Would they be content to live in the moment without expectations??

Hold on, I do not mean I only want to live for the moment!! Yes, I am crazy enough to do so, but I still think about the future... Did you forget, I am a Project Manager by profession, plans are my thing!! We did talk about the future, not seriously yet, but we did, and we will in the future... We even have one milestone set: 25-7-25!

It might already be too late buddy... Expectations are different, emotions are different, humans are different, period! So again, step back, and keep your distance, please...

But if the damage is done already, I need to fix it, I need to explain, I don't want to cause any harm, I don't want to be misunderstood... I care deeply and genuinely about them... I cannot lose them, I do not want to lose them!

Didn't you already try to explain? What happened? It all fired back! It made things worse! So hold your ego and walk away... Just accept the fact that you lost them, again...

I do not think I did a good job explaining what happened! It was sudden, shocking, and painful!! That can't be it! This is too profound to be gone just like that... It is not about ego, it is not about who is right or wrong! There are emotions, there are connections, so deep and true, that have great potential for the future, like you said, long term... We can't throw away all that!!

Potential for what exactly? Do you know what would that be?? Aren't you expected to define it?

I do not know yet, and it has not been long enough to define it yet!! It can evolve, it can change, it can grow, or it can fade away and go dormant, just like it did before!

Dude, before, that was decades ago!! You are not in school anymore!! You cannot think the same way you did almost 30 years ago!! Grow up...

What can I say, I am a hopeless romantic! Maybe this is my problem... No matter how true my feelings are, no matter how hard I try, no matter how caring I am, I always blow it, I always hurt those close to me! What's wrong with me!?

Maybe you need to communicate better, you need to be more clear, you need to set boundaries, you need to grow up...

Ok whatever, I know, I have to work on myself, fine... But what now? What about this pain, this wound, the constant tears in my eyes, for the loss of someone so dear and precious, this can't be it! There must be something I can do?!

You can try, but it is not only up to you, they have feelings too, they have expectations, they have a mind of their own... I admit, it is a shame to lose such a beautiful connection, but hey, life is a bitch! It does not always go the way we expect it to go... Maybe try, hard but not too hard, do not overstep, do not cause more damage in the process, and who knows, maybe it was just an explosive moment, maybe it will pass... And maybe it was so hurtful for them, that it will take time to heal... And worse come to worse, it might never heal, and that's it, buddy!! Move on...

But I don't want them to hurt, I don't want them to feel pain!

They might not be hurting at all!! They might be actually more mature than you and are consciously protecting themselves from you and any potential pain you might bring, frankly like they should!!

Seriously?! This is what I do? This is what has been going on between us? Am I the Godzilla of emotions? I just bring pain and destruction!!

Maybe you cannot see it, but it is the reality! Bottom line, go away, work on yourself, keep your distance, and observe from the other side, like you used to over the past decades, why change that now, and lose that pure and beautiful image you had of each other all this time!!

I definitely do not want to ruin that, and this is why I am feeling all this pain and hurt... If it was someone normal, you know, just a normal person in my life, maybe it would not hurt as much... This is different, this is special, this is deep and genuine, how many times do I need to explain it to you!!

All I can tell you at this stage is if it is meant to be, it will happen, today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or maybe 25-7-25, or never! You can try to mend wounds, clarify expectations, set boundaries and plans for the future, and see how and where things go. And you have lost people before that you cared about, people that meant to you, it is part of life... You cannot keep everyone you care about! Accept the fact that some people might see you differently from how you see them, some people might value your presence in their lives differently from how much they mean to you! Some people might fight you instead of fighting for you! And if you cannot fix things, and you lose them, just enjoy the scene from far away, keep your emotions to yourself, and move on...

You are mean dude, but maybe you are right... I got to try and see, otherwise I will just drown in pain and hurt... Thanks, dude...

I am not mean buddy, I am realistic and blunt, let's call it mature! Anyways, how about we stop here, and continue this conversation soon... Maybe you will have positive news for me next time... Enjoy the scenery for now, I can see you discovered a nice distant spot!

Yup, I took my emotions, to a very distant spot, and sat in silence, complete utter silence, freezing cold silence, even my phone froze to death! Anyway, dude, I am really too tired and need to rest... So, to be continued... Take care, with lots of love...

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN ME, MYSELF, AND THE FROZEN SAINT LAURENT RIVER...

Love at First Sight

It was love at first sight... It was magic... It was something else... It was unearthly!! She captivated my heart and soul... She captivated all my senses... It's like she made me her slave for eternity from the moment I laid my eyes on her... It was love at first sight...

5 years ago, in 2008, I met her for the first time... She was so adorable, so tender, cute, gorgeous, soft... She was a beautiful princess that dazzled my eyes from the very first moment I saw her...

From that moment on, I could not leave her sight, I wanted to stay with her day and night, night and day... No matter what she did, I wanted to be around her... Happy or angry, in good or bad moods, quite or noisy, sleep or awake, I could not leave her alone... I was totally in love...

My close friends and family did not imagine me like that!! They did not think I would be so madly in love, so obsessed, so caring, so gentle and warm... Even I did not imagine myself like this!! It was magic as I said, something you cannot imagine until you live it... And I did, and I loved it...

But despite this magical love and passion, life had other plans for me!! I did a mistake, a series of mistakes, some big and some small, and that was enough to cause the first break up, the first time I leave my love, the first time we live apart!!

No matter what life gave me on the other end, it was never the same!! It did not feel right, never did... She was always inside me, inside my heart and soul and mind... No pleasures or joys could really take me away... Her strong love was always drawing me back to her... She was my north pole, that no matter what other magnets drew me in different directions, I was naturally drawn back to my north pole... To her...

And it did happen, she gave me another chance, she took me back, and I was flying with joy and happiness, feeling home, where I belong... But not for long...

You see, despite the strong and magical love, it was not enough!! I was still dragging in my mistakes, I was still the same person, I did not learn from my mistakes yet!! Love alone could not heal all wounds, could not fix all what was broken, could not bring us back together for good!!

And so we went on a swinging cycle, back and forth, together and then apart, over and over again!! Each time the scars grow deeper and deeper, each time it hurts more and more, each time it breaks something inside me... And I would try to stand up, move on, carry my wounds and live...

But I couldn't!! Every time I laid eyes on her I would feel weak, feel the guilt, feel the agony and hurt for living away from my love, my true and genuine love...

Call me stupid, call me a coward, call me naive, call me childish, whatever you like, but I did learn the hard way, that my life is nothing without her, my life is worthless without her!! No matter what I try or what others tried with me, whatever theories or plans or efforts or justifications, nothing worked to take me away from her!! She is where I belong, she is who I want to be with... She is my destiny...

During the past 5 years, I had a rough trip, a journey filled with sadness, hurt, agony, and tragedy... But it was also filled with joy, happiness, laughter, fun, and love... I did good and bad, I built and destroyed, I caused harm and joy... I was hated and loved, ignored and cherished, cursed and praised...

But today, 5 years since I first laid my eyes on the love of my life, today I reached the stage where it is time for me to say ENOUGH, enough doing mistakes, enough hurting others, enough confusing others, enough harming others... It is time to follow my heart, follow my destiny, and seek my north pole...

Today, I apologize to everyone for everything I did, and above all I apologize to you my love, for being away, for hurting you, for confusing you, for not being there for you every time you needed me...

Today we close the page on 5 years of memories, good and bad, and we start writing a new chapter, hopefully filled with more and more joy and happiness and love, for everyone, and for us, my love, my soul, my beautiful princess, my precious little daughter KINDA...

Happy 5th Birthday my love...

I love you, truly madly deeply...

Your loving DAD...

BISS