Step back, keep a distance, stay far away...
But what is wrong with being close?! I care, and my feelings are genuine, and I love the close connection, the rekindling of emotions that are genuine and deep...
So what?! It is not about you only... What about the other person, do you know what this means to them? Do you know how they feel, how they will react, what they will expect?
I think so... I can feel the warmth, the excitement, the joy with every conversation, with every message, with every encounter... It is pure and genuine, it is undeniable...
Maybe now, at the moment, it brings momentary happiness, it is genuine, I agree... But what next? What is your plan, next steps, long term??
Well, why do I need a plan? Can't we just enjoy the moments and worry about the future later? Why sacrifice those amazing moments and spend the present thinking about the future?!
Because you are not in your 20s or 30s anymore... You have matured, you have responsibilities, you have dependents, you have a life to manage... Besides, what about them? Would they be content to live in the moment without expectations??
Hold on, I do not mean I only want to live for the moment!! Yes, I am crazy enough to do so, but I still think about the future... Did you forget, I am a Project Manager by profession, plans are my thing!! We did talk about the future, not seriously yet, but we did, and we will in the future... We even have one milestone set: 25-7-25!
It might already be too late buddy... Expectations are different, emotions are different, humans are different, period! So again, step back, and keep your distance, please...
But if the damage is done already, I need to fix it, I need to explain, I don't want to cause any harm, I don't want to be misunderstood... I care deeply and genuinely about them... I cannot lose them, I do not want to lose them!
Didn't you already try to explain? What happened? It all fired back! It made things worse! So hold your ego and walk away... Just accept the fact that you lost them, again...
I do not think I did a good job explaining what happened! It was sudden, shocking, and painful!! That can't be it! This is too profound to be gone just like that... It is not about ego, it is not about who is right or wrong! There are emotions, there are connections, so deep and true, that have great potential for the future, like you said, long term... We can't throw away all that!!
Potential for what exactly? Do you know what would that be?? Aren't you expected to define it?
I do not know yet, and it has not been long enough to define it yet!! It can evolve, it can change, it can grow, or it can fade away and go dormant, just like it did before!
Dude, before, that was decades ago!! You are not in school anymore!! You cannot think the same way you did almost 30 years ago!! Grow up...
What can I say, I am a hopeless romantic! Maybe this is my problem... No matter how true my feelings are, no matter how hard I try, no matter how caring I am, I always blow it, I always hurt those close to me! What's wrong with me!?
Maybe you need to communicate better, you need to be more clear, you need to set boundaries, you need to grow up...
Ok whatever, I know, I have to work on myself, fine... But what now? What about this pain, this wound, the constant tears in my eyes, for the loss of someone so dear and precious, this can't be it! There must be something I can do?!
You can try, but it is not only up to you, they have feelings too, they have expectations, they have a mind of their own... I admit, it is a shame to lose such a beautiful connection, but hey, life is a bitch! It does not always go the way we expect it to go... Maybe try, hard but not too hard, do not overstep, do not cause more damage in the process, and who knows, maybe it was just an explosive moment, maybe it will pass... And maybe it was so hurtful for them, that it will take time to heal... And worse come to worse, it might never heal, and that's it, buddy!! Move on...
But I don't want them to hurt, I don't want them to feel pain!
They might not be hurting at all!! They might be actually more mature than you and are consciously protecting themselves from you and any potential pain you might bring, frankly like they should!!
Seriously?! This is what I do? This is what has been going on between us? Am I the Godzilla of emotions? I just bring pain and destruction!!
Maybe you cannot see it, but it is the reality! Bottom line, go away, work on yourself, keep your distance, and observe from the other side, like you used to over the past decades, why change that now, and lose that pure and beautiful image you had of each other all this time!!
I definitely do not want to ruin that, and this is why I am feeling all this pain and hurt... If it was someone normal, you know, just a normal person in my life, maybe it would not hurt as much... This is different, this is special, this is deep and genuine, how many times do I need to explain it to you!!
All I can tell you at this stage is if it is meant to be, it will happen, today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or maybe 25-7-25, or never! You can try to mend wounds, clarify expectations, set boundaries and plans for the future, and see how and where things go. And you have lost people before that you cared about, people that meant to you, it is part of life... You cannot keep everyone you care about! Accept the fact that some people might see you differently from how you see them, some people might value your presence in their lives differently from how much they mean to you! Some people might fight you instead of fighting for you! And if you cannot fix things, and you lose them, just enjoy the scene from far away, keep your emotions to yourself, and move on...
You are mean dude, but maybe you are right... I got to try and see, otherwise I will just drown in pain and hurt... Thanks, dude...
I am not mean buddy, I am realistic and blunt, let's call it mature! Anyways, how about we stop here, and continue this conversation soon... Maybe you will have positive news for me next time... Enjoy the scenery for now, I can see you discovered a nice distant spot!
Yup, I took my emotions, to a very distant spot, and sat in silence, complete utter silence, freezing cold silence, even my phone froze to death! Anyway, dude, I am really too tired and need to rest... So, to be continued... Take care, with lots of love...
A CONVERSATION BETWEEN ME, MYSELF, AND THE FROZEN SAINT LAURENT RIVER...